i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
