If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
