This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
