i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
