Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
