i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
there is glitter all over my balls
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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