WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
