When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
