You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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