They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
