I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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