he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
