totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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