The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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