I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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