We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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