He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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