PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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