Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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