So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
