hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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