Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
