you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
