if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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