you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
