Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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