Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
