somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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