So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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