i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
