I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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