garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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