we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
