my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
