oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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