Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
