Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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