My cat gives me a boner
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
