My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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