dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
