I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
