you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
