Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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