I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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