Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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