i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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