my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
