I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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