i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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