I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
