he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
