Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
